How to Survive a Global Pandemic from Dwight Schrute


You don’t have to worry about surviving any kind of bear attack, fire, pandemic, zombie breakout, or appendicitis because Dwight Schrute is prepared for anything. My plan in any of these scenarios is not to do anything myself, but to just stick to Dwight like his back pocket and let him take care of everything. Everything I need to know to survive a global pandemic, I learned from Dwight. 

Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation. — Dwight Schrute

I learned from Dwight Schrute how to survive
This article is completely tongue-in-cheek and flippant. Do not think we aren’t taking COVID-19 seriously.

Dwight has the shelter and the food. And when that is gone, I will talk him into eating someone else. So, winning.

Before I do anything, I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing. — Dwight Schrute

Obviously Dwight is not the idiot. He probably has levels of preparedness I’ve never thought of. I will not be the idiot in this scenario by following Dwight.

Everything I need to know to survive a pandemic I learned from Dwight Schrute
THE OFFICE — “Local Ad” Episode 5 — Aired 10/25/2007 — Pictured: Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute (Photo by Byron Cohen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter. — Dwight Schrute

Clearly, Dwight will have the basic human necessities in case of a global zombie outbreak or anything like that. So I will with the person with the basic human necessities.

I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me. — Dwight Schrute

Any kind of pandemic, athletic, or academic challenge, Dwight will be the winner. There might be challenges, but he’s got the confidence to face them. I will be right there with him.

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther. — Dwight Schrute

If there was a race to the toilet paper, Dwight would win. You might not know this, but he’s faster than 80% of snakes too, so he’s definitely the one to keep around. If you have to outrun zombies, he would win. If you have to run faster than mongeese, he would win. Stick with winners.

Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep. Crunch— Dwight Schrute

He’s been prepping for this since childhood lullabies. He can follow the rules and that will help me to follow the rules. Following the rules will keep me alive. If I don’t, he might eat me. 

To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever. — Dwight Schrute

I’m not afraid of germs because I’m going to live forever.  I also never wash my hands or my house. And I touch my face. All the time. So Dwight and I, together forever. Surviving. 

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.— Dwight Schrute

Refer back to how he would win a race to the toilet paper or outrunning mongeese.

They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!— Dwight Schrute

See, now if there are zombies or werewolves or any other kind of pandemic, Dwight would beat them with his volcano. It’s well known. Volcanoes trump pandemics.

Here’s how I’m going to help from now on. I’m not going to care. — Dwight Schrute

Every man for himself. Dwight will win everything by not caring the most. 

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. –Dwight Schrute

Dwight will have shelter, and he won’t be stressed. It will be perfect to shelter in place with him.

In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is Oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!— Dwight Schrute

No idea what this means, but I definitely know that lions are the kings of the jungle, and I definitely want to hang out with kings. 

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly.— Dwight Schrute

Last year was obviously better than last year. Especially with the ability of flight and all. 

Listen up Flenderson, you’re being weak and ineffectual. I’m cowboying this meeting, ok! Here are the new rules, ok? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.— Dwight Schrute

The rules are not only followed by Dwight and it’s super great to hang out with the rule maker in case of a pandemic. Or endemic. Or academic. 

I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.— Dwight Schrute

Maybe… this means that Dwight created the virus and if that is true, obviously it would be better to be with the creator of whatever danger we’re facing.

(please take this post in the light-hearted humor in which it was intended; sometimes humor is the only defense we have)


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